All The Feels!

Wow, another blog post within two days - I must certainly have a lot on my mind!  Oh, wait, I do.  I'm moving to Ireland in a week.  EGADS!

I've been a mess of emotions over my move for awhile now.  On the one hand, I'm so excited for this journey.  I'm going to be doing a job that I know I'll love, living and working with others who enjoy doing the same thing, and meeting so many new people who are genuinely thrilled I'm there.  I'll even be working towards a Certificate in Theology from Notre Dame over these two years.  This is truly a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.  Plus, it's Europe!  I love Europe!

On the other hand, it's tough knowing that, if I were still a student, I'd be moved into my dorm right now and working on campus already.  Most of my friends would also be back for whatever reason, and we'd be catching up on our lives amidst all of the craziness of this week.  There'd be wine nights and Finny's nights and innumerable laughs all around.  This level of comfort and security I discovered at Saint Mary's will be hard to replicate for me.

On a third hand, (great, I'm adding appendages to myself,) I also wonder if the choice I made was the right one.  I turned down my top-choice grad school, a chance to return to France, and even a couple of job opportunities in order to give up my service to the House of Brigid.  I only applied to one college because I was fearful of making "the choice" at the end of the day.  This time around, I kept my options open.  How could I have predicted that nearly all of them would come through?  My Saint Mary's education put me in a much better place to make "a choice", but my poor brain grappled with it for a very long time.

I know I'm not alone in these feelings.  Two of my best friends from Saint Mary's, Angie and Erin, are also moving to Europe this year to teach English in France and Austria, respectively.  The three of us were all abroad in college at the same time, and we went through many of these same feelings of "FOMO" (Fear Of Missing Out) then, too.  We've been talking a lot lately as we fight these internal battles of missing Saint Mary's and getting excited about leaving for our new adventures.

Me, Angie, and Erin.  Aren't we the cutest?

The last couple of days, especially, I've been feeling some very high levels of anxiety over everything.  Since Erin's leaving so soon after I am, she's starting to feel it, too.  We had a long talk on the phone today, which was a much-needed reminder that I'm not going through this blindly.  There are actually several things I came to realize today with Erin's help:

1.  These are going to be two of the best years of my life.

Yes, my four years at Saint Mary's were unforgettable, and I will always count them among my best.  But there's no way I can move abroad and do what I'm going to be doing without making some incredible memories along the way.  My four months in France changed my life forever - who knows what two years in Ireland will do?

2.  I'm not going to be alone.

In addition to Angie and Erin, I'm also going to have two of Angie's sisters and my good friend Allison in Europe, too.  Allison and I met when we were abroad in France, and she is one of my go-to people when it comes to planning for this type of thing.  All of my random connections give me places to go and people to see while I'm there.  Not to mention the incredible House of Brigid community that I'll be entering into.  There are already so many people in Clonard who are praying for me and eager to help me adjust.

Allison and I during her visit to South Bend this year!  Elle est ma petite chouette!  :)

3.  We're growing up, and it's time to face that.

Similar to how I had to leave high school behind and go off to college, I need to leave college behind and go off into the real world.  In fact, a lot of those pre-college feelings are similar to what I'm feeling now.  But, I know Saint Mary's has given me a greater schooling than I could have ever hoped for, and I've truly been educated in mind, heart, and soul.  It's time to put that learning into action in order to make a difference and leave my mark on the world.  If there's one thing I've learned, it's that we never truly leave a place - there's a piece of us that will always be there.  I've been saying it a lot lately, but it's true: The Avenue will always lead me home.

4.  My families will still be there at the end of the day.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about all of the various families in my life.  Leaving them was certainly a factor in my decision, too.  Last night, I went to the only choir rehearsal at St. Bart's that I'll be able to attend for quite a long time.  The whole evening made me feel like I had never left.  There was a freshman in high school there who's joining the ranks of the adult choirs for the first time.  I realized that I've been a member of the adult choirs for nine years now.  I'm the only one from my "generation" who's stuck with it, despite collegiate obligations.  It made me realize that it's time to pass off the torch and let the new generation come in.  My prayer for her and the others is that they embrace it with full hearts.  I've gained what I needed from ministering with the groups, and I know I'll always be welcomed whenever I'm home.

As for my "real" family, my greatest concern was leaving my nieces.  Emme and Allie are growing up so fast.  This year, I'm missing Emme's Confirmation; next year, I'm missing Allie's First Communion.  The reality of this is very hard on me.  I remember what it was like when I was three years old and my sister got married and moved far away.  I missed "Evie" everyday, and my mom convinced me that I could still talk to her through our dryer.  (Yes, I stuck my head in it and did it numerous times.)  But, that's just it - we've got technology nowadays that didn't exist back in 1994.  I can Skype, FaceTime, and even call my family on the phone cheaply all the way from Ireland.  The days of "long distance" bills no longer exist.  The Internet has truly changed how we live.  Sure, it won't replace the holidays I'll be missing, but I have the rest of my life to celebrate with them.

My little mini-me's.  I couldn't be prouder of both of them!

5.  This isn't the rest of my life.

Probably more important than all the rest is the notion that these next two years aren't the rest of my life.  I will come home at the ripe young age of twenty-four, and I'll still have lifetimes ahead of me.  Sure, it's hard not to feel like I should be getting married and beginning a career because many of my classmates are.  However, there's no right or wrong time to do those things.  I'm a lifelong learner, and it also takes a lot for me to trust someone in a relationship.  I can't imagine, in any way, that I'd be ready for a family or a career right this very second.  I very much want that one day, but it's not going to be tomorrow, and I'm okay with that.  When the time comes, I'll be (young!) and ready for it.  Just as I didn't know nine months ago what I was going to be doing post-graduation, I don't know where I'll be or what I'll be doing in two years.  Who knows?  I might be in a very different place than I ever imagined.

So, while I feel like I'm drowning in luggage weight limitations, service visas and tax paperwork, loan deferments, and some tough goodbyes, there are so many good things I have to look forward to.  Erin reminded me today that there are probably many people who are envious of what we're doing - we're young and taking full advantage of it!  There's nothing keeping me here right now, so why shouldn't I indulge in a little selfish "me" time?

During all of these "feels" today, my mom came in with a package for me - my godmother sent me her grandmother's St. Christopher medal to take with me and protect me on my journey.  This simple token really couldn't have come at a better time.  It reminded me that I'm not alone, and that I'll always have Christ alongside me on the many journeys I'm certain to take throughout my life.  Perhaps I need to take a step back and take a little more time for prayer during all of these many preparations.  This time next week, I will be landing in Dublin to begin my new adventure.

For now, it's time to go back to eliminating items from my suitcases.  I really don't need all seven cardigans that are in my closet - as badly as I want to take them all...

Peace,

--Joy.

Hogwarts Is My Home

Hi, my name is Joy and I'm addicted to Harry Potter.

Anyone who has known me for more than five minutes already knows this about me.  My liking obsession with Harry Potter began when I was around ten years old.  As an avid reader, my godparents gifted me the first three books one year for a Christmas or birthday.  I distinctly remember reading the first chapter of the first book, putting it down, and not picking it up again for a very long time.  It was boring.  I didn't like it.  It felt too much like a Roald Dahl book, and I wasn't a huge fan of him.  So, I simply stopped reading it.

When the early talks of the movie started cropping up on the news, I decided to give the book another try.  This time, I forced myself past the first chapter.  Then, the second.  By the third, I was hooked.  Since it was summertime, I finished all three books in about four days.  The fourth book had come out since I received the first three, and I borrowed it from my aunt so as to not miss a moment of the mania.  She eventually gifted me the book for my next birthday.

I clearly remember my mom taking me to see the first movie.  In fact, I had recently turned eleven years old.  We had waited until it came out in the dollar movie theatre, since movies were a rare treat when I was growing up because of how expensive they were.  We were both mesmerized by the magic of Harry's story.  My mom became obsessed, too.  She immediately took to reading my copy of the first book and caught up to me in no time.

Then, there was nothing.  Sure, I had movies to look forward to, but it took Jo Rowling almost three years to release the fifth book.  I reread the first four countless times.  (I mean it, I think I've read each of those books 20+ times each, and that's not an exaggeration.)  I created websites for book reports that Sorted people into one of the four Houses.  I forced other people to start reading them, too.  I even started writing my own version of the fifth book.  Here I was, barely thirteen years old, and I was letting a fictional character and his fictional world run the majority of my out-of-school life.

Eventually, the fifth book did come out.  That was the first midnight opening I went to.  My mom faithfully took me to all of them.  She stopped reading the books herself, daunted by the length of the latter ones.  However, she's always loved the movies, so she does know Harry's story to some degree.  I was am obsessed enough for the two of us, anyway.

Somewhere during all of this, my friends and I joined forces in our Harry Potter-ness.  We created trivia board games and started holding joint parties for Harry and Jo to celebrate their shared birthdays.  I've had my own birthday parties themed after the great character.  My friend Aimee and I even named our Titan corporation "Hallows 'R Us" for economics class and dressed up the day of the tournament, complete with wands.  We even went to see the Remus Lupins in concert.  (Wizard Rock, you understand.)  I won a drawing with my local library to visit the touring Knight Bus as part of the promotions for the last book.  That day, a reporter from the New York Times interviewed me and featured me in an article she wrote on the book's release.  (I stood out a little bit since I was the only sixteen-year-old in the middle of all the five- and six-year olds - oh, and I came dressed up like Hermione.)  My other friend's mom sewed us our own wizards' robes for the last book opening.  Actually, we played one of our trivia games while waiting for midnight to hit.

Me at the last book opening.  I still have that stick wand, which I found in my backyard.

We came up with crazy theories all the way until the end.  I sobbed through a good portion of the second half of the last book.  I went through severe withdrawal.  Thankfully, I still had movie openings to look forward to.  I was even able to enjoy some of the last couple with my new college friends who shared the same love of it that I did.  But, soon, the movies ended, too.  Eventually, Pottermore was released.  I fought my way into the beta testing group.  I was sorted into Ravenclaw, found my wand, and began working my way through the adventures there.  Unfortunately, as much as I love the new bonus content, the speed at which they're updating the site is not keeping me content.  I still reread the books and watch the movies whenever I find the time to.  I even have a Pinterest board dedicated to the series.

Remember those birthday parties for Harry and Jo I mentioned?  Yeah, we still have them.  Basically, a group of twenty-somethings sit in a room, play their homemade trivia games, read excerpts from the book, bake and decorate a cake, and watch one of the movies.  In fact, we just celebrated their belated birthdays this past weekend.

This year's Whomping Willow birthday cake for Harry and Jo.  Can you spy the Ford Anglia?

Why do we still do this?  I think the answer's different for each one of us.  Tradition, love of the books, feelings of nostalgia, keeping our childhoods alive, etc.  For me, it's some weird combination of all of these.  I grew up with these books.  I am one of the few who will be able to say that they are the Harry Potter generation.  There's something to be said about a series of books that got kids my age reading again.  Harry's story, magic or not, can apply to so many people on so many different levels.  I longed for a world like Harry's.  But, it reminded me of the life that I do have, and I realized that mine's pretty awesome, too.  I've made friends bonding over theories and trivia matches.  Even my college had its own Quidditch team.

Sure, I've been made fun of for how much I like the books.  It's never bothered me, though.  For me, it's just a part of my life.  Harry taught me how to be brave.  He taught me that it's okay to bend the rules every once in awhile.  He taught me that there's always, always, always something worth fighting for.   He taught me to embrace who I am no matter what others do or say.  He taught me to use my imagination.  He taught me to read between the lines.  Most importantly, he taught me how to love my friends like family.

Harry Potter will always be a part of my life.  I'll read the books with the same anticipation as when I did the first time.  I'll even go back and reread the cooky theories I came up with prior to the series being finished.  I'll give my own children the books someday, hoping that they love it even a fraction of the amount I do.  And I'll still go to the yearly birthday parties we hold whenever I can, even if it's just an excuse to meet up with my old friends.

So, whether you think I'm crazy, crazier than you thought, or deemed worthy of institutionalizing, I hope you can at least understand where I'm coming from when I say that I love Harry Potter.

Next on my bucket list - visiting the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  I'll accept monetary donations in any amount.  :)

--Joy.